I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
