On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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