god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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