end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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