I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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