Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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