I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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