How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
