Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
