There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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