apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
