Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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