Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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