All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
