dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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