Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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