All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
