so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
