So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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