I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
