No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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