I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
