foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
