The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
