you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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