Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
