You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
