i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
