; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
