he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
All the doctor said was why
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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