I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
