I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i now understand why vodka
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
