Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
