i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
