I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
