wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
