I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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