I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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