Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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