Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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