Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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