I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
