I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
