Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
