You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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