This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
