just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
