My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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