just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
