Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
